Winging it | Singing it

2 Kids: Finding the Balance

By Gemma Quayle

Hello my winging friends, how are you all doing? Thanks for coming back. I hope you are all doing well and are finding plenty of fun and entertaining things to do after last week’s article. Chatting about the task of amusing different aged children got me thinking about the other challenges that we face by having more than one child. Well firstly, may I say that if you have more than 2 children then you deserve a medal, I do not know how you do it (probably with the help of lots of gin) as 2 kids are tough enough for me. There are times when they are absolutely gorgeous together, and you sit back and say “ah look at them. They’re so lovely”, and then there are times when they are . . . how shall I put it? ‘Not-so-gorgeous’ together and you’re shouting “pack it in the pair of you before I lock you both in your rooms!”.  I Didn’t think I’d ever use the phrase ‘pack it in’ so much in my life, but it flies out of my mouth a lot. I think it’s the strong ‘P’ sound at the start that does it for me. It helps to release the urge to shout ‘P*** off’ to my kids at those moments (I do usually mutter it to myself though). “For goodness sake!” is another phrase that is used frequently in my house, again I think the ‘F’ sound helps! I also caught James saying it to the birds in the garden the other day, very funny, but I think that proves that maybe I say it too much.

 “Siblings: Children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.”

– Sam Levenson

The first born…

The beautiful angel that is your firstborn child, whom you dedicated all your time and energy to. Is happily living the good life, until the second blessing comes along to steal all the attention with their helpless-baby-ness. You still love them with all your heart but suddenly they are not the only one anymore and your time, focus, and energy has to be shared with the new addition.

None of this goes unnoticed by the eldest – an observant, astute, emotional sponge. You do your best to split yourself in two, but there is no way you can give them the attention that they are accustomed to. Kacey is a good big sister and when James first came along she was besotted with him and wanted to help and snuggle him and help him learn. Kacey believes that James was her wish. When lots of family and friends around us were birthing their second offspring, Kacey started to ask if we could have a baby because she wanted to be a sister. We managed to swerve this for a while as we wanted to wait till she started school. Anyway, Kacey is convinced that at Christmas that year she made a really big wish to be a big sister. So cute. And when we told her that her wish was going to come true she was ecstatic.

Kacey still does enjoy spending time with her Brother but I find it is in shorter bursts and most of the time it will have to be something that she wants to do. She will build towers with him or make a train set up for him, but this usually turns into world war 3 as James wants to just knock the tower over and Kacey has ‘worked so hard on that’ (She’s so dramatic!). The train track gets destroyed and then the boy throws Thomas the bloody tank engine at the eldest child’s head! FFS! You manage to calm the situation down and made the suggestion of Kacey having some time in her room doing something ‘more grown-up’, you then take to the boy off the ‘naughty spot’ (I know that we probably should be calling it something else that does not use the word ‘naughty’ but unfortunately ‘the spirited-child spot’ doesn’t roll off the tongue so easily, especially amidst the chaos of whatever the incident might’ve been. Occasionally I remember and call it ‘time-out’!) and put on poxy Pepper Pig for the twentieth time today, just so that you can make a cup of tea. And breathe . . . then you hear “James get out of my room!” Damn it! James screams. I suppose I should go and investigate the situation. Kacey is man-handling James in an effort to remove him from her room like a bouncer trying to evict an inebriated drunk lad out of Oceana on student night. But it is her room. Her own space and it is important for her to have that, especially when it’s lockdown (sort of), and the boy is a beast as we go through the ‘terrible 2s’(there will be more to come on this topic!). It feels like there is no escape sometimes.

Sometimes I think we’re all a bit guilty of thinking our eldest have their mini piles of shit together, when actually – they don’t. We put a lot on their little shoulders and expect so much of them for their age – patience, sharing, compassion, the wiping of their own arses… But Kacey told me “The best part of being a big sister is having a little buddy to look after and to play games and have fun with” so I think she still likes him.

The neglected second child…

James was born when Kacey was 5 and a half years old. My husband and I said that we wanted to wait until she started school so that we could give the new baby as much time as possible and Kacey would still feel a sense of normality and ownership by going to school. Well, this did sort of happen, but poor little baby James was dragged around after Kacey all the time, which of course is fine because he didn’t know what was going on at that stage. It became harder as he has grown older. We have had to adapt a little. We now just drop Kacey off at the door for her dance class rather than getting James out of the car and us all trekking up three flights of stairs to the dance studio just to have him burst in and start jumping around in front of the mirrors. And I think Kacey quite likes the independence that this change brought too, as she runs up the stairs with a smile on her face (most weeks anyway, we have the occasional needy moment from her). Parenting win.

The second child syndrome continues in the lack of evidence of said child. With your first, you fill out all the pages of the beautiful baby book and you write down every check-up in their little red health book, but with James – there is no baby book! Bad parents. We don’t even own one for him! Which makes me feel awful. How have we let that slide?! Oh yeah because having 2 kids to look after is hard work and there is no time to pluck your uncontrollable eyebrows (and those are on your face for the whole bloody world to see) let alone fill out when your baby first sneezed or at what week they first reached for your face (such a great moment though) or writing out in your neatest handwriting when they first shat themselves so badly that you had to destroy all the evidence; clothes, towels, the bloody lounge rug, and you wonder how the hell all of that came out of one tiny little baby and all they consume is milk! The sight and smell of that will live with me forever I do not need to write it down in a book.

(Top tip: The little envelope folds at the top of a baby’s vest are there so that you can roll the vest down in these sorts of situations and not have to pull the crap up over your bubba’s head. Simple yet brilliant! I only found out this piece information with my second baby so I thought I would pass it on just in case you didn’t know.)

The lack of actual, physical photographs up in our home is another neglect that James suffers. There are lots of photos of Kacey dotted about the house. Newborn pictures, baby ballet pictures, cute beach pictures, first holiday, first school photo. The list goes on. Now, this doesn’t mean we haven’t taken these same sorts of photos of James because we have, they are just not up on the wall. It is on my never-ending to-do list. I have taken the first step though and actually printed some photos up, but that is as far as I have got. (I must remedy this soon!)

On the flip side to this James probably gets more of my attention and energy as he is younger and needs more help and focus with play and day-to-day things and so this helps to ease my mum guilt when it comes to second child syndrome.

Finding the balance…

This where it gets really difficult. How do you give each child the attention they want and need? Well, I do not know the answer to this question. When the baby first comes along your maternal guilt gnaws away at you like a squirrel with a bag of nuts. ‘I’m an awful mother’, ‘I need to spend more time with her’, ‘The baby needs to do more tummy time’ ‘Can I actually breastfeed and play swing ball at the same time?!’ (a serious contemplation in those post-natal hormonal days). But somehow we got through ok. I don’t think Kacey has been emotionally scarred by the appearance of her baby brother and James seems to have developed well so far (I mean he can be like a wild animal at times, but he can talk and count and stuff so that’s ok by me.)

Finding balance during lockdown has been a huge struggle. It feels impossible to give Kacey the attention she needs to help her with homeschooling and keep James occupied enough so that he doesn’t completely trash the room at the same time. This is something that I have failed a few times. Whole toy boxes have been emptied out on to the floor and walls have been drawn on. Kacey is guilty too. I’ll set her up with her work, then go check on James and spend 5 minutes with him, but when I go back into the kitchen – She has gone! Argh! Bloody kids. Also (as I spoke about in last week’s article) finding activities that they both enjoy that we can all do together is tricky, so they are often doing different things to entertain themselves. But they are at their best together when we go out for a walk and an explore or play in the garden, that is where we always have good fun.

As they get older I do think it’s important to try and find time with each child individually. Normally when Kacey is at school I have one day off in the week that I get to spend with James, I try and get any grown-up, boring things out of the way early (shopping, washing, housework – all the things that I know I should do but don’t want to) and then do something fun with him, he loves soft and the park (things that we have really been missing in lockdown. James is literally climbing on anything and everything!).  We also get an hour or so on a Saturday morning when Kacey is at dance, but if my husband is off then I try and take that time for myself.  Kacey and I try to take advantage of the evenings once James has gone to bed. We love a pamper night; a girly film, hot chocolate, facemasks, and painting nails.
When I do get these individual times in it is better for everyone. The kid’s behaviour seems better and they seem to get along and play well too. It has been difficult to find these separate times during lockdown but also being together all the time has been challenging, but it has highlighted to me just how important these individual times are and that they will become part of our life more when things start to get back to normal.

Be Happy. You are blessed…

When push comes to shove we are so lucky to have two healthy and (reasonably) happy children and I get to hug and kiss them good night and sing them to sleep (although they never actually fall straight to sleep – little buggers!). I love being a Mum and I love them unconditionally and they love each other so much, and they do a lovely bond. I will never forget when James was a baby, he was splashing about in the bath with Kacey and he was laughing so much, which already is a lovely memory but then Kacey knocked it out of the park when she said: “Isn’t that the best sound in the world!”. My heart just burst with love and pride.

I think siblings will always have love/hate aspects to their relationship (it is very much that way still with me and my brother) but the love will always outweigh the hate. And when the chips are down they will have your back. They are the one constant throughout your life.

“Siblings are the people who teach us about fairness, cooperation, and kindness, quite often the hard way.”

– Pamela Dugdale

Look after each other and be kind, they will bring out the best and the worst in you, but that will make you who you are today and you should be proud of that person.

If you have any brilliant stories that need telling then please email me at wingingit.singingit@gmail.com

Or catch up with me on Instagram at @gemquayle and if you use #wingingitsingingit then I can find your winging it/singing it moments.

Take care,

Gemma X

Save the Arts

“Actors are agents of change. A film, a piece of theatre, a piece of music, or a book can make a difference. It can change the world.”

– Alan Rickman

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